When Intimacy Is Sacrificed for Healing {Love Should Not Suffer}
In the dark is where I don’t hear his breathing next to me like I used to when we both used to lay inches apart. No other heart beating to the air in the room. Just silence due to chronic illness.
In the dark is where I remember the intimacy struggles we had ~ because of a simple surgical procedure gone wrong by a careless doctor after I gave birth to our daughter years and years ago ~ which were never completely resolved before this chronic illness became our bed partner. Pain on top of pain.
In the dark, I feel so lonely. I miss my husband who has loved me more than any other person has in a way no other person can… because he chose me to love. And he loves me well. In the dark, I focus. I can’t see… but I focus. I begin to see… I see the sacrifice my husband makes for me to move towards healing. The sacrifice of bed space for healing space.
It all leaves me so silent. Yes…
Ḯ̵̡̻̤͇̩̯͍͕̝̗̾͂t̷̜̱̲̯̲̖̜̗̙͑̍̅͊́̆̐̔̑͜ ̶̨̛̼̘̪̩̟̩̐̈́̽̽̅̏ ä̸̧͚͍̮̣̫̫̖͖̟̊̒̐͐͆̊̌͌̌l̶̛̯͛̐͆͊̃̀͜͠l̵̹̪̹̭̪̪͇̪̿ ̴̻̪̜̿̂̿̕ḻ̴̼̬̰̹͍̅̉̈́̀̎è̸͎̯͙̝͚̀̈͒ͅa̵̤̤͗v̶̉͋̈́̓̌͛̇̒͑̐ͅȩ̴̨͙̬͍̫̿́̀̐̐̓́̐͠ś̶̙̥̫̹̩̰̝̞̉͒͛͋ m̸̯͕̯͖̺̻̮̯̜͘ė̵̜̼̪̣̗̝̟̀̿̉̀͝ ̴̖̬̜́͛̽͐̿̌̄̈͠ s̴̡̭̜̘̰̗̥̬̣̮͒͛̾͛͘ȏ̸̬̞͈͋̐̈́̑̈́̒̊̕ ̴̤̿̍͊̍͠ s̶̨̐̐̽̉͂̈͗͘͝ì̸̪̪̼̩̕l̵͖̬̿̿̅͘ͅe̸̢̜̰̣̣͎̘̿͂́̒̐́͘͠͝n̸͇̽́̉̿̈́̀͛͒̐t̸̯͚̯̟̍͆.̸̰̠̫̠̣̈̀̃̈́
When this happens to a husband and wife, the bedroom can be a very lonely place. It’s dark and cold and silent.
In the dark is where I feel the coldness in the bed where he usually lays. Palpable coldness that envelopes my entire being. Just coldness.
Then is when I focus on the Other who chose to Love me, Who sacrificed all for me. In the dark is where I am overcome with the peacefulness of God reminding me He is my forever healer as the tears of missing my earthly love fall heavily down my face.
𝐿𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒾𝓈 𝓁𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓉𝑒𝒶𝓇… 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓇𝑒𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒𝒹 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽.
Then I am thankfully focusing again. Thankful that my God takes care of me and has given me a beautiful soul on this earth to take care of me and I of him.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗽𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗹o𝘃𝗲, 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼𝗴𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘆. ~ 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘀𝟯:𝟭𝟰𝗘𝗦𝗩
My husband takes care of his wife and that is no easy task as any wife knows, because life is hard and marriage is hard. We must work at it for many reasons to a 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓲𝓯𝓾𝓵𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮. He hugs me carefully when my body pain is at a high with this Fibromyalgia; he sleeps in another room to allow me the possibility of true restorative sleep to help me heal, he lifts things, he carries things… he eases my burdens. When he does these things he loves me like Christ loves The Church – His own.
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭.
It can affect every single part of life… finances, careers, child care, household care, family fun times and recreation, socializing, and intimacy… but at the end of the “this-life” rope from which all those things dangle is Love holding it all together.
In the end is… Love.
A͎l͎w͎a͎y͎s͎ ͎L͎o͎v͎e͎.͎
Love cancels out the pain, and the coldness, and the silence, and the dark.
For without Love, nothing else matters.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. ~ John 1:5 ESV
This is us a long time ago … both not feeling so well… but choosing love and laughter. ❤️
This one, friend. Yes. It resonates deeply. Darkness does not overcome the light- and to that I say, “Hallelujah!”
Amen to that Missy. 🙂
Heather, this is so beautifully written and poignant. My heart and home-life echo these thoughts. Illness and sacrifice to help one another heal has resulted in exactly the scenario you describe. What a gift our spouses are to us and what a Saviour to help us see their servant-heart even as we mourn the close night sharing given up in love! Thinking of you both with empathy and sympathy. Much love. xox <3
It isn’t easy is it Joy? But the Lord is with us as we know. I’m grateful for all those in my life who try to understand and help. My daughter also does. She has much pain of her own, so she can empathize. We help each other. 🙂
Intimacy: a loving personal relationship with another person; the quality of being comfortable, warm or familiar.
Heather, though many of us define intimacy in a variety of ways, I’ll bet you have intimacy with both God and your husband. Maybe seeing through a different lens means it isn’t sacrificed at all.
Many of us feel the need for touch, for affection, yet for one reason or another, do not have it. God has seen fit to bestow upon us intimacy in other ways.
Bless you, sweet sister. <3
God provides all we need, doesn’t He? I’m so thankful He cares about each of us in ways only our hearts and souls can know. It is always visible if only people look.
a tearful but joyful read
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I truly and deeply appreciate your prayers. I pray for you and your wife and ministry too. Blessings, dear friend.
Thank you for your kind words; they are always greatly appreciated.
Intimacy of two hearts, that can feel the other’s pain, and seeks to help in whatever way they can… is the truest kind of intimacy and love … just my thought.. Diane
Your thoughts are so lovely, Diane. ❤️
What a love you have found in your husband. I’m glad you have the Lord always to comfort you when the physical is too painful. ❤️
Thank you so much for thinking of and praying for me, Michelle. I’m so glad we met. 🙂
Life certainly is difficult at times but love has a powerful healing effect. God bless!
And isn’t that healing effect AMAZING!
Heather, it is beautiful that our God knew the perfect husband for you & met your needs. May God continue to bless you both, in your marriage, with each other & with Him. May God bless your husband for loving you deeply as Christ loves His Church. Blessings!
Thank you, Joanne. Our marriage certainly isn’t perfect, but I trust God with it just like everything else. Thankfully I learned that it is The Lord I must trust for every single part of my life. He knows better after all. 😉
O girl, I know how you feel!
good read – I can relate – if only temporarily, as my wife broke her arm so severely, they couldn’t even put a real cast on it – and it has meant that she has not been able to sleep in bed since the end of January…only sitting up in her recliner downstairs – but it has also meant that I have to be very careful in hugging – which means I don’t get the hug I am used to having every morning since we’ve been married……
I saw in FB that your wife was down and out; I hope she is healing well. Oh how you must really miss that hug. It’s hard when the physical aspects – of any kind – are missing in a love relationship. I hope you both get that tight hug soon. And a few more at Disney. 😉
yes! the most important hug, besides ours, will be our new granddaughter – she has really been missing that one for sure! 🙂
So beautiful Heather! I know these same thoughts. My husband and I have gone through much of these same things through this chronic illness journey. Thank you for your encouragement here, we are not alone in this love-journey either! God is bringing His love even deeper through it all. Blessings to you!
Bettie, thank you so much for your conversation here. This is a difficult subject to discuss within chronic illness. It’s a journey of learning always, isn’t it? ❤️