In the dark is where I don’t hear his breathing next to me like I used to when we both used to lay inches apart. No other heart beating to the air in the room. Just silence due to chronic illness.
In the dark is where I remember the intimacy struggles we had ~ because of a simple surgical procedure gone wrong by a careless doctor after I gave birth to our daughter years and years ago ~ which were never completely resolved before this chronic illness became our bed partner. Pain on top of pain.
In the dark, I feel so lonely. I miss my husband who has loved me more than any other person has in a way no other person can… because he chose me to love. And he loves me well. In the dark, I focus. I can’t see… but I focus. I begin to see… I see the sacrifice my husband makes for me to move towards healing. The sacrifice of bed space for healing space.
It all leaves me so silent. Yes…
Ḯ̵̡̻̤͇̩̯͍͕̝̗̾͂t̷̜̱̲̯̲̖̜̗̙͑̍̅͊́̆̐̔̑͜ ̶̨̛̼̘̪̩̟̩̐̈́̽̽̅̏ ä̸̧͚͍̮̣̫̫̖͖̟̊̒̐͐͆̊̌͌̌l̶̛̯͛̐͆͊̃̀͜͠l̵̹̪̹̭̪̪͇̪̿ ̴̻̪̜̿̂̿̕ḻ̴̼̬̰̹͍̅̉̈́̀̎è̸͎̯͙̝͚̀̈͒ͅa̵̤̤͗v̶̉͋̈́̓̌͛̇̒͑̐ͅȩ̴̨͙̬͍̫̿́̀̐̐̓́̐͠ś̶̙̥̫̹̩̰̝̞̉͒͛͋ m̸̯͕̯͖̺̻̮̯̜͘ė̵̜̼̪̣̗̝̟̀̿̉̀͝ ̴̖̬̜́͛̽͐̿̌̄̈͠ s̴̡̭̜̘̰̗̥̬̣̮͒͛̾͛͘ȏ̸̬̞͈͋̐̈́̑̈́̒̊̕ ̴̤̿̍͊̍͠ s̶̨̐̐̽̉͂̈͗͘͝ì̸̪̪̼̩̕l̵͖̬̿̿̅͘ͅe̸̢̜̰̣̣͎̘̿͂́̒̐́͘͠͝n̸͇̽́̉̿̈́̀͛͒̐t̸̯͚̯̟̍͆.̸̰̠̫̠̣̈̀̃̈́
When this happens to a husband and wife, the bedroom can be a very lonely place. It’s dark and cold and silent.
In the dark is where I feel the coldness in the bed where he usually lays. Palpable coldness that envelopes my entire being. Just coldness.
Then is when I focus on the Other who chose to Love me, Who sacrificed all for me. In the dark is where I am overcome with the peacefulness of God reminding me He is my forever healer as the tears of missing my earthly love fall heavily down my face.
𝐿𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒾𝓈 𝓁𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓉𝑒𝒶𝓇… 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓇𝑒𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒𝒹 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽.
Then I am thankfully focusing again. Thankful that my God takes care of me and has given me a beautiful soul on this earth to take care of me and I of him.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗽𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗹o𝘃𝗲, 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼𝗴𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘆. ~ 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘀𝟯:𝟭𝟰𝗘𝗦𝗩
My husband takes care of his wife and that is no easy task as any wife knows, because life is hard and marriage is hard. We must work at it for many reasons to a 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓲𝓯𝓾𝓵𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮. He hugs me carefully when my body pain is at a high with this Fibromyalgia; he sleeps in another room to allow me the possibility of true restorative sleep to help me heal, he lifts things, he carries things… he eases my burdens. When he does these things he loves me like Christ loves The Church – His own.
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭.
It can affect every single part of life… finances, careers, child care, household care, family fun times and recreation, socializing, and intimacy… but at the end of the “this-life” rope from which all those things dangle is Love holding it all together.
In the end is… Love.
Love cancels out the pain, and the coldness, and the silence, and the dark.
For without Love, nothing else matters.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. ~ John 1:5 ESV
This is us a long time ago … both not feeling so well… but choosing love and laughter. ❤️